Have you ever imagined a motorcycle on steroids? I mean, thirty feet (9 metres) long, ten f
eet (3 metres) high and weighing as much as a school bus kind of amotorcycle beast? Yes, that’s the beast from the photo above. It’s a 13 ton/ 28 660 pound two-wheeler designed and built in Perth, Australia, by the stunt driver Ray Baumann which has spent the last 3 years developing what appears to be a world first.
The “Monster Motorbike from Hell” is powered by a Detroit Diesel truck engine, mated to a 6-speed Allison automatic and it’s so big that a full grown man doesn’t even stand up to one of the Monster Motorbike’s wheels. The frame appears to be an upside-down ladder design, with wheels and tires from Caterpillar.
Cocaine has had a significant impact on popular music. While booze is far more likely to result in sloppy work and an unsightly beer gut in middle age, coke leaves you wired enough to ensure that you will produce a whole lot of something, and thus ups the odds that you will actually produce something good.
Keith Richards may have fallen out of a tree in Fiji while out of his gourd on other than vitamin supplements, but he is what rock n’ roll is all about: debauchery. And, while a sober Eric Clapton was quoted as saying, “I hate listening to my old records, which I did stoned or drunk,” he’s alone in that camp as most fans of his music hate listening to anything that he’s done straight.
Keith Richards’ entire career, Neil Young’s coked out performance at “The Last Waltz”, Stevie Nicks having built up such a tolerance to cocaine that she had to have it blown up her rectum to get a high (this never happened, apparently, but is nonetheless one of the more entertaining urban legends), cocaine use is an integral part of the rock-star lifestyle. It’s what young boys dream about: One day, if I practice enough and work on perfecting my skills as a singer-songwriter, I too will be able to snort cocaine off of the breasts of a vacant-eyed stripper whose name I’ll forget before I’m back on the tour bus and liquidating a savings account by mobile phone to settle debts with unsavory characters.
Here we have compiled a list of the Top 10 Cocaine Songs of all time — songs about, influenced by, and more than likely written on clouds of Peruvian marching powder:
10
Bales of Cocaine
The Reverend Horton Heat
In this one, the good Reverend regales us with the modern day parable of a farmer out in his field pulling corn and carrots “when two low-flying aeroplanes, ’bout a hundred feet high/dropped a bunch o’ bales o’ somethin’, some hit me in the eye”. The farmer cuts the bales open and notices a mysterious powder inside. Being a rube, for whom presumably white lightnin’ is still the biggest thrill in town, he has no idea what it is and brings it to his “Crazy Brother Joe”: “He sniffed it up and kicked his heels, said, ‘Horton, that’s some blow!’” Our lucky farming friend then heads into Dallas, becomes a millionaire by selling his find, ditches his farm in Texas and buys another in Peru. Think of it like the Bill Paxton movie “A Simple Plan”, only a whole lot happier and without Billy Bob Thornton in the role of a mouth-breather. We can safely assume that at some later point in this farmer’s life the drug dealers whose fortune he stole would have tracked him down and introduced him to the latest in Columbian necktie attire, however, for taking a different angle on the cocaine song and for its appreciation of the entrepreneurial spirit, we salute the Reverend Horton Heat and include “Bales of Cocaine” on our Top 10 Cocaine Songs of All Time list:
Bales of cocaine, fallin’ from low-flyin’ plane
I don’t know who done dropped ‘em, but I thank ‘em just the same
Bales of cocaine, fallin’ like a foreign rain
My life changed completely by the low-flyin’ planes
9
Lit up
Buckcherry
This is a song that needs to wipe its nose before returning to the dinner table. With two founding members who met in a tattoo parlor and bonded over their mutual love of AC/DC, Buckcherry exemplifies the type of hard rockin’ lifestyle that has enriched many a well-connected roadie. A song meant more for the mosh-pit than for lyrical analysis, this one is interesting though for the number of places in which the narrator gets “lit up”. They include: a plane, his couch, his bed, on a train and backstage somewhere with a groupie knocking, “Crack the door for the curious girl cuz she’s waitin’ she’s been waitin’…” And fulfilling the age-old maxim that all bands who look like this will eventually do something that reminds one of Spinal Tap, we get a replay of the classic, “It goes up to 11″ bit of dialogue in the following bit of verse: “I’m in touch love, from this crutch/Well you’re on ten but buddy I’m on eleven”.
“I’m on a plane With cocaine And yes I’m all lit up again”
8
My Michelle
Guns ‘n’ Roses
“I don’t do cocaine anymore. Well, only occasionally,” GNR guitarist Slash, 1992. Long before the band broke up and Axl Rose set about attempting to strangle whatever bit of fan support they had with the “Chinese Democracy” debacle, the Gunners were at the forefront of cocaine-fueled hard rock with Appetite For Destruction, and “My Michelle” was one of their best. The Michelle in the song actually existed. She knew the band and asked Axl to pen a tune for her. She did not get “Sweet Child Of Mine” treatment. This one tells a story of a hard-living woman whose “daddy works in porno/Now that mommy’s not around/She used to love her heroin/but now she’s in the ground.” The song and the real-life story both have a happy ending, as, according to Slash’s biography (which would no doubt require a snort of something illicit to get through), Michelle has since moved across the country and cleaned up her act.
“So you stay out late at night And you do your coke for free Drivin’ your friends crazy With your life’s insanity”
7
That Smell
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Though better known for penning that motet Sweet Home Alabama, heard if a case of Amstel Light, a $150 Yamaha guitar, a group of white people, or a campfire are within a 100-yard radius, Skynyrd is also known for this thoroughly unpleasantly titled opus: ‘What’s that smell?’ being one of the worst questions you can ever hear uttered, along with ‘Is anyone here a vegetarian?’ A well-worn refrain when it comes to the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle, members of the band were killed by over-consumption, but in this case, it was of fuel, at least according to the National Transportation Safety Board, who determined this caused their plane to take a nosedive into a Mississippi forest. This song references an earlier and less-killing crash involving guitarist Gary Rossington, whiskey, coke and an oak tree that would just not get out of the way.
“Whiskey bottles, and brand new cars
Oak tree you’re in my way
There’s too much coke and too much smoke
Look what’s going on inside you
6
Life in the Fast Lane
The Eagles
With an obstructed view concert ticket to one of their performances costing in the range of your average eight-ball, The Eagles certainly know a thing or two about life in the fast lane, a song inspired by a road trip Glenn Frey took with a dealer named ‘The Count’. In ‘Hotel California’, (a song so ubiquitous you can be wandering the rugged mountains of northern Laos and hear a villager who’s otherwise had no contact with modernity, humming a few bars) there were ‘mirrors were on the ceiling’, and in this song, their paean to hard-living, they served a dual purpose other than a means to admire your feather mullet and creepy mustache.
“They threw outrageous parties, they paid heavenly bills
There were lines on the mirror, lines on her face”
5
“Casey Jones” and “Truckin”
the Grateful Dead
These Dead songs casually mention cocaine use as part of the average work day for those in two occupations — a train conductor and a trucker — and we’re hoping this was more fantasy than fiction. Truckers are already not the kind of people that most like to share the road with — their egos being inflated in proportion to their rigs and requiring no further boost from chemicals. Cocaine use might, however, explain, how train conductors can crash something that sets out on a predetermined track. The ‘livin’ on reds, vitamin C and cocaine” lifestyle is unlikely to feature prominently in the health and wellness section of your local bookstore alongside “You: On a Diet”, or “Train your Brain to Think like a Thin Person”.
“Driving that train, high on cocaine,
Casey Jones is ready, watch your speed.”“Livin’ on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
All a friend can say is ain’t it a shame?”
4
Sticky Fingers album
Rolling Stones
Pound for pound, or more accurately, ounce for ounce, “Sticky Fingers” is one of the most drug-addled albums ever released, with nearly half of the songs on it in some way referencing drugs either obliquely, or quite explicitly with heroin in Dead Flowers, morphine in Sister Morphine, or singing the praises of a nighttime bump in Moonlight Mile. Sticky Fingers, along with Neil Young’s “Tonight’s the Night” are among the most depressing albums of the 1970s, and together make the Tom Waits song catalog sound like the collected works of the Village People by comparison.
“Yeah, you got satin shoes
Yeah, you got plastic boots
Ya’ll got cocaine eyes
Yeah, you got speed-freak jive”“Sweet cousin cocaine, lay your cool cool hand on my head
Ah, come on, sister morphine, you better make up my bed”“When the wind blows and the rain feels cold with a head full of snow, with a head full of snow”
3
Cocaine Blues
Bob Dylan
There are numerous songs out there that go by the name “Cocaine Blues” or a variation thereof, presumably because there was no shortage of real-life material on which to base such ditties. We’re slotting two of the more prominent in our third and second spots. The first is a “traditional” song, which means that it’s public domain and can therefore be burned, photocopied, recorded, dubbed over, mixed with farm animal sounds, and played over and over again on the street corner to the annoyance of everyone within 100 yards (public noise ordinances notwithstanding) — all with copyright-infringement impunity. The Reverend Gary Davis, who, unlike Brother Horton Heat earlier in the list, actually was an ordained minister, laid down the definitive version of this one, and a young Bob Dylan added it to his repertoire. This version takes us through some of the less pleasant aspects of cocaine use — hence the “blues” part — including:
Any pretense to romance going out the window:
You take Sally, an’ I’ll take Sue,
Ain’t nah difference between the two.
Cocaine all around my brain.
Unpleasant physical effects:
Hey baby, you better come here quick,
This old cocaine ’bout to make me sick.
Cocaine all around my brain.
And one quite bizarre veterinary notion:
Cocaine’s for horses and it’s not for men,
Doctor said it kill you, but he didn’t say when.
Cocaine all around my brain.
2
Cocaine Blues
Johnny Cash
The second of our public domain songs (go ahead and record this one on YouTube using a butt kazoo and a ukulele for all the record companies care) was first known by the far more ominous sounding name “Transfusion Blues”, but popularized as Cocaine Blues by none other than the Man in Black (especially after Labor Day) Johnny Cash. This was one of the songs that Cash sang at Folsom Prison that no doubt had the guards ruining underwear while wondering whether they would soon have a riot on their hands. This super-charged song tells the story of Willie Lee, a “hack”, which we presume means either a prison guard or cop, as a reporter for a schlock newspaper wouldn’t be as cool, who takes a shot of cocaine and shoots his cheating woman down. He then flees to Mexico, but is apprehended, put before a jury of “12 honest men” and sentenced to “99 years in the Folsom Pen”. By the end the convicted prisoner advises his fellows to stay off the cocaine, not to murder, mind you, but to avoid the cocaine; he seems ok about the murdering your wife part.
The judge he smiled as he picked up his pen
99 years in the Folsom pen
99 years underneath that ground
I can’t forget the day I shot that bad bitch down
Come on you’ve gotta listen unto me
lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be
1
Cocaine
J.J. Cale
Don’t be fooled by Clapton’s fatigued version, this gem penned by J.J. Cale (a man to whom Slow Hand arguably owes his entire career) is in our estimation, the definitive blizzard ditty. Clapton is quoted on Wikipedia as having once said that “Cocaine” is actually an anti-cocaine song. If you study it or look at it with a little bit of thought… from a distance… or as it goes by… it just sounds like a song about cocaine. But in actual fact, it is quite cleverly anti-cocaine.” Being that Clapton didn’t write this song, this opinion is about as valuable as the answer you’d get if you asked the Byrds what they were thinking when they came up with “Mr. Tambourine Man”. Defending his position, Clapton mentions the lyric, “If you wanna get down, down on the ground; cocaine” to demonstrate that the song is anti-coke. He doesn’t mention though that every other lyric in the song could feature in the text of a Colombian drug-runner’s spring/fall catalogue:
She dont lie, she dont lie, she don’t lie, cocaineIf you want to hang out, you’ve got to take her out, cocaine
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie, cocaine
If you got bad news, you want to kick them blues, cocaine
When your day is done and you got to run, cocaine
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie, cocaine
If your thing is gone and you want to ride on, cocaine
Dont forget this fact, you cant get it back, cocaine
by Mike Devlin
Few beings capture the imagination more completely than the giant; mankind’s earliest legends are rife with tales of Titans and Nephilim, with hulking trolls whose heads scraped the clouds. Christian, Islam, Hindu and even more ancient mythologies all speak of the great beasts that once were, and may be again.
10
Cyclops
An ancient race of giants characterized by a single eye in the middle of their heads, the Cyclopes were prominent in both Greek and Roman mythology. Written about in Homer’s The Odyssey and Virgil’s The Aeneid, the legend of the Cyclops may have some origin in fact. It has been surmised that the discovery of elephant skulls by primitive people led to the creation of the myth – the hole for the nasal cavity (supporting the trunk) is enormous and could easily lead to misidentification as the crater for a single eye.
9
Gargantua and Pantagruel
Hailing from five interconnected novels written in the 16th century by French author Francois Rabelais, Gargantua and Pantagruel are father and son, respectively. The books are written in the style of lewd satire, full of explicit language and bathroom humor, which was all the more vile given the religious prudery of the day. These giants do not conform to any particular size; indeed their height varies dramatically throughout the series to facilitate elements of the plot. Despite the questionable subject matter, these books are still hugely popular today, being taught in many universities as one of the cornerstones of modern literature.
8
Jack’s Giant
Often the first concept of a giant children are exposed to, nearly everyone knows the tale of Jack and the Beanstalk. The story’s origin is somewhat murky, with some scholars pointing to early Norse tales. There are dozens of different versions of the story, but most include Jack climbing a magic beanstalk to steal golden treasure and, eventually, murder the giant that lives at the top, thus living happily ever after. Taken at face value, the story doesn’t exactly paint Jack in the best light, but the giant doesn’t seem like any kind of great guy either – he mentions smelling Jack’s blood and promises to feast on his flesh.
7
Bigfoot
The Bigfoot, or the Sasquatch, is somewhat different than the other entries on this list – he is considered a cryptic, an animal which might exist but for which little to no scientific evidence exists. Described as ‘ape-like’, this ‘missing link’ stands well over six feet tall, prowling the wilds of America, particularly the Pacific Northwest. Often the only clue left behind by the Bigfoot are the enormous impressions of his feet, many of which – if they are fake – are extremely realistic hoaxes. The most famous evidence of Bigfoot’s existence is a snippet of footage shot in the forest of Bluff Creek, California, in 1967. The dimensions and locomotion of the creature featured therein are compelling, but to this day there is no solid proof that Bigfoot exists.
6
Giants of Jotunheim
According to Norse mythology, Jotunheim is one of the Nine Worlds (other ones include Earth, for humans, and Asgard, for the gods). Jotunheim is the land of the giants. Sometimes beautiful, sometimes heinously ugly and disfigured, the giants often stand in opposition to mortals and gods, and can be destructive. Indeed, fire giants are seen as having an integral role in the Ragnarok apocalypse. Thor, in particular, is shown as slaying many giants, although he lets lust take over and at least once fathers a half giant offspring. Loki and Odin also have half giant children.
5
Paul Bunyan
First documented in the stories of American journalist James McGillivray, and probably based on earlier tales bandied about by French-Canadians, Paul Bunyan is a giant lumberjack. A larger than life character in the tradition of many such tall tales, Paul played a role in various creation myths, such as dragging his axe behind him to cleave out the Grand Canyon. Bunyan is always accompanied by his pet, a blue ox named Babe, of equal enormity. Giant statues of Paul and Babe have become a roadside staple in dozens of towns around America.
4
Frankenstein’s Monster
The monster, which remains nameless throughout Mary Shelley’s gothic masterpiece, is described as being eight feet tall and clad in transparent yellow skin, hideous beyond comprehension. Victor Frankenstein tacks his beast together out of spare parts taken from graveyards and slaughterhouses, and he is forced to make it huge because of the inherent difficulty of replicating the tiny, intricate parts of the human body. The subject of banishment and horror, the monster floats off into the Arctic wasteland at the end of the tale, promising to throw itself on a pyre and commit suicide.
3
Jolly Green Giant
The mascot of the Green Giant vegetable company (a subsidiary of General Mills), the Jolly Green Giant has been the subject of innumerable television commercials, concluding with his trademark “Ho ho ho.” Upon his debut in 1928, the giant was a stooped, menacing creature, but subsequent versions have been increasingly genial, adopting a frock of leaves and an always present grin.
2
Little John
There is some debate regarding the existence of Robin Hood and his band of merry men, the most massive of whom was the legendary Little John. Most stories indicate he was at least seven feet tall, which would have been more massive by far than any of his 13th century countrymen. He seemed to have encountered Robin one day in Sherwood Forest, where they did battle on a narrow bridge. Little John knocked Robin into the river and thereupon decided to join up with the group. He was Robin’s chief lieutenant, often coming to the rescue in situations of great peril, and was the only one of the merry men at Robin Hood’s side when he died.
1
Goliath of Gath
Arguably the most famous of all giants, Goliath was a massive Philistine warrior who faced off against the Israelite army in the Valley of Elah. Offering to defeat any Israeli in one-on-one combat, Goliath was rebuffed, until the challenge was taken up by young David. Eschewing armor, the smaller combatant knocked Goliath down with a stone hurled from his sling and then chopped off his head, securing victory for the Israelites and proving himself, by his valor and faith in God, to be the one true king. Little more is said of Goliath, and his height is somewhat debatable; some accounts place it in the 6”9 area and others put him at nearly 10 feet.
It's time again to gather round the old family computer and the festive shopping mall to hurriedly search for the perfect gift for friends who probably won't get you anything in return and family members you haven't seen for about a year. Yes my friends, the holiday season is upon us and that means consumerism galore.
For those people that are impossible to shop for and for those that don't deserve any better, sometimes the best gifts are those that are just plan strange or rude. And with that in mind, it's time to kick off InventorSpot's yearly roundup of the weirdest, dumbest and silliest Christmas gifts to stuff under your tree this year.
Weird Gift #1: Pearl Necklace
This silver Pearl Necklace bridges the gap between the incredibly intimate, but short-lived pearl necklace of the bedroom and the long lasting, but cold and heartless pearl necklace of thejewelry store. Finally a piece of jewelry you and your special lady can appreciate.
Weird Gift #2: Merry Crappy Christmas
Nothing says "I don't give a crap about you" like a present that spells out "Merry Christmas" in plastic poop. Sure you could always make this present yourself out of the real thing, but that would be a lot harder to make and the revolting smell is probably going to stop you before you get it spelled out so perfectly.
Weird Gift #3: iCarta iPod Bath Tissue Holder
If you know someone who likes to rock out with their ass out, then this iCarta is the perfect gift for them. Finally the serenity of bathroom sessions can be brought up to pace with the modern world as you combine a love of clearing bowels with a love of rock and roll.
This also makes a great gift for women who are too insecure to use the toilet while other people can hear them.Of course, if they realize that people then start to associate music playing in thebathroom with their pooping, then they'll have even more issues to deal with.
Weird Gift #4: The Drunkard's Gift Basket
Do you know someone rather forgetful because they drink way too many memories away? Then get them some gifts to help them remember. The Beer Pager will help them find their beer no matter where they accidentally set it down. The fold up emergency sleeping bag ensures they'll always have a place to sleep and since it's waterproof, cleaning up the vomit will be a breeze. Lastly, the Instant Underpants will ensure that no matter what happened the night before, they can always have a fresh pair of clean, wet underwear
Weird Gift #5: Civet Crap Choice Coffee
Kopi Luwak coffee may be all the rage, but few companies actually have the guts to be proud of the blend's origins -a civet cat's butt. That's right, this popular coffee is actually created by sifting the undigested coffee beans from civet feces that have been partially fermented during the process. They are then cleaned and sold exorbitant rates to coffeehouses across the country.
For daring gourmets who hate euphemisms, Civet Crap Choice Coffee drops the charade and proudly states, "I'm here, I drink poo -get used to it!"
Weird Gift #6: Colored Toilet Paper
What do you get the person who has everything? Renova Colored Toilet Paper to match their gaudy bathroom décor, of course. While there's something to be said about paying a little more for paper that doesn't fall apart or tissue that doesn't scrape your most sensitive of areas, colored toilet paper is taking things just a bit too far, which is why this gift is a great option for those who long for a more sanitary way to wipe their ass with money.
Weird Gift #7:Minor Miracle Mug
This gift will have the dedicated atheist questioning her beliefs and a fundamentalist Christian dashing off to eBay. Once they realize the "miracle" isn't as big of a deal as they first thought, they will enjoy sipping their late down to Mary's face every morning. Nothing like a mug of minor miracle to start your day.
Weird Gift #8: Sweeper Slippers
These sweeper slippers are a perfect gift for the lazy teenager who refuses to do any housework. This year, trick them in to pull their weight by giving them comfy slippers that also help clean hardwood and tile flooring.
Weird Gift #9: Swiss Flash USB Knife
While traditional Swiss Army knives are a necessity for survivalists, this modernized Swiss Flash USB Knife is ideal for the 9 to 5 office survivor. With tools like a flash drive, a flashlight, a ballpoint pen (for emergency check endorsing), scissors (for cutting unruly sweater threads), a nail file (for those deadly hangnails) and a tiny knife (to help clean the crap out between your keyboard keys), you're gift recipient is certain to have everything they could possibly need to survive a day in their cubicle jungle.
Weird Gift #10:Tactical Pen
With the increasingly invasive TSA pat downs, it's nice to know that holiday travel doesn't have to leave you helpless. This Smith And Wesson Tactical Pen is completely legal to carry on a plane, writes smoothly and can help you shatter an enemy's skull. It's comforting to know that despite all the liberties we have sacrificed in the name of safety, anyone can still bring a weapon on an airplane. Hooray buracracy! Go TSA!
Weird Gift #11:Babykeeper
The perfect gift for any new mother: a way to get away. While the company promotes theBabykeeper as a convenient way to let a mother use the bathroom freehanded while still letting them watch their baby, we all know that no one who owns this is going to limit their usage to restroom trips. Need to get ready for a hot date? Use the Babykeeper. Trying to have a good time at the end of the date? Use the Babykeeper. If you think that sounds mean to the baby, remember, there are a lot worse things in life than just hanging out.
Weird Gift #12: George Foreman USB iGrill
Let's face it, cooking and computers aren't exactly a perfect match, but when you've been playing WOW for 9 hours straight and your Monster Energy Drink just can't sustain you any more, the George Foreman USB iGrill might be just what you need to get nourishment without having to take a break from fighting liches and worgs.
There's no cooking experience necessary, just load the grill, upload a recipe and the machine will set the timer and do all the work. Best of all, it's at least moderately more healthy for you than Jack In The Box or Dominos.
Weird Gift #13:Bacon Gift Basket
If you are friends with any bacon fanatics, or anyone over 350 pounds, a bacon gift set is a great way to touch their heart...quite literally. While there are plenty of ways to enjoy bacon without actually ingesting it, food gift baskets are much more classy and easy to put together.
In the basket, include some bacon soda, bacon hot sauce, bacon gumballs, bacon lip balm,caffeinated maple bacon lollipops, tactical canned bacon (for emergencies), bacon popcorn,Bacon Salt (to top the popcorn), bacon jellybeans, some freshening bacon mints and someeffervescent bacon tablets.
Weird Gift #14: Wand Remote Control
Let's face it, Harry Potter fetishism is in full swing right now and we all know someone who desperately wishes they weren't a muggle. Make their magical dreams come true with this magic wand that actually works -at least when it comes to controlling the TV. For those with thinner budgets or smaller aspirations, the wand that operates an LED candle is pretty cool for the aromatherapy-loving witch or wizard wannabe.
Weird Gift #15: DIY Juice To Alcohol Kit
This DIY Juice To Alcohol Kit is a great gift for those alcoholic science nerds out there and for really bad parents who can't think of a better way to get their kids interested in science. Just add juice and a packet of the magical alcohol powder and you will have your own homemade liquor in only 48 hours. The resulting booze will be up to 28 proof -it might not be moonshine, but it sure won't make you go blind.
Of course, if you don't feel comfortable giving alcoholic science kits to kids or if you're shopping for a recovering drunkard, the U-Fizz Drink Carbonation Kit might be a good (although slightly less fun) alternative.
Of course, if you've seen any other bizarre or hilarious Christmas gifts this year, share them in the comments. We love to share here, just ask the Holiday Giant Microbes. (By the way, if you're thinking of getting your favorite weird products blogger a present, these are my favorite gift this year.)And of course, if you like this article, check out the original 15 Strange and Bizarre Gifts For The Weirdos In Your Life.